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Meg's goodbye message translated from the corprospeak into plain language....
 

posted by Meg Whitman on the ebaY announcement board on 23 Jan 08 at 01:04PM PT, and translated from the corprospeak by TAG.
30 Jan 2008

Many of you know I've said in the past that 10 years was about the right amount of time for any CEO to stay at the helm of a company. Now that Iıve reached that milestone myself, I still believe this. It's time for eBay, and this community, to have a new leadership team, a new perspective and a new vision. [TRANSLATION] Ten years is a nice amount of time to milk any one group of people, and now that I have sucked my billions out of the ebaY cash cows (the sellers), I am ready to move on to new pastures. Don't worry though, I will still be skimming over a million a year from you folks, in addition to all the stock options I still have to sell, before the stock come crashing down.

As we announced today, I will step down as eBayıs President and CEO on March 31, 2008, and our current head of eBay Marketplaces, John Donahoe, will succeed me in my role. Rajiv Dutta, our current president of PayPal and former CFO for several years, will replace John as the president of eBay Marketplaces. Youıll be hearing more from them and their teams in the coming weeks and months. [TRANSLATION] ROFLOL, you all thought of me leaving with hope and anticipation for a better future without me, but I am sticking you with one of my clones. I have tortured the ebaY community for 10 years and will take great pleasure in knowing that my minions will continue to do so in my stead. How dare any of you cash cows dare think that you could create something new and different from the exploitive corporate model we MBA types have perpetrated on this country for such a long time. You thought the internet, being new and starting from a collaborative base, would be an opportunity for a new kind of marketplace, but I made sure THAT wasn't going to happen! Oh yeah and remember Rajiv Dutta? He was the one time ebaY Chief Financial Officer who said that the 2002 price increase was intended to reduce clutter from what he termed marginal sellers. Well I'm promoting him cause he obviously has the right idea about you sellers, and the right stuff to keep you cash cows in misery.

Looking back, I was given a remarkable opportunity when Pierre Omidyar, eBayıs founder, asked me to join eBay in January 1998. Ten years later, I couldnıt be more in awe of what we accomplished together. When I joined eBay, it was a small site, in some ways still very much an experiment. Most people didnıt know, or didnıt believe, that perfect strangers would trade with one another, and that they could almost always be counted on to do the right thing. [TRANSLATION] Ten years ago, that pony tailed nut Omidyar had made promises to cut all those approx 200,000 sellers who had really created ebaY and made it work and grow, into the IPO and let them buy 10 shares each at IPO price. Well, I was not going to let THAT happen either! Think about how many people would have been able to have an influence on the future of ebaY, especially if they worked together to vote their stock. But fortunately Pierre was as corruptible as most people, and I convinced him that he would be harming those 200,000 folks, by letting them buy stock at the IPO price. I was able to assuage any guilt he might have felt about lying to his "community" when his billions started to pour in, and all those suckers who spent a ridiculous amount of time manning the boards on the site, teaching new users how to use the site, promoting the sites in their communities were shafted royally by me, which gave me no end of joy. I taught those folks the TRUE meaning of community, a herd of cows there to be milked or slaughtered at my convenience.

Over the course of a decade, you have helped revolutionize the way people use the Internet, buy and sell things, create and grow businesses, and connect with each other. In 2007 alone, our community of hundreds of millions of people around the world traded more than $60 billion in goods. Millions found the courage to tap their entrepreneurial spirit and start businesses. Millions more have pursued passions and made connections that will last a lifetime. And countless others found that perfect thing ­ an old high school yearbook, a favorite toy from their youth ­ that they couldnıt get anywhere else. [TRANSLATION] Even I have been amazed at how easy it has been to use and abuse you idiots and you just keep coming back for more.

I am truly astounded by what has been built here. And all the credit goes to you, our community. You took the chances to start businesses. You created markets for products where there were none before. You defined what it means to be a good citizen in this Internet-enabled world. And yes, we hit a few bumps along with way, but that's to be expected when youıre building something that has never existed before. But even, and especially, during those times, I was always inspired by the passion you showed. [TRANSLATION] Wow, even my hyperbole amazes me sometimes - I'll tell you what I was inspired by. I was inspired by the millions and millions I was able to rake in, and the millions I was able to cut my buddies in for, like the folks at Goldman Sachs. Heck, we even got a little sloppy and kinda stepped far enough over the line of the law that they had to do something about it, but hey, all we got were a few slaps on the wrist, and otherwise we basically got away with it.

Itıs with great pride and a strong sense of accomplishment that I leave this post and hand it over to the capable leaders we have in John and Rajiv. Iıve known both of them for many years and have believed for a long time that they are the ideal people to steer eBay into the future. [TRANSLATION] I know exactly whom I am handing this cash cow over to. A couple of people whom I trained and who are just as sleazy and money grubbing as I am. Just the right sort to continue to milk you cash cow sellers for all you are worth, while providing the maximum amount of abuse and pain. And who wouldn't feel a sense of accomplishment? You idiots made me a billionaire and helped me let my influential buddies latch on to the cash cow teat and cash in on millions and millions of your hard earned dollars.

eBay is in my blood and always will be, so I'm not stepping back completely; I will remain on eBayıs Board of Directors. And of course, I'll keep buying and selling on the site. [TRANSLATION] And you sucker sellers will be handing over something like a million a year to have me on the board, which will help fund my political ambitions.

I'm so very honored to have worked with you in building this incredible community. Thank you for letting me be a part of it for the last decade. [TRANSLATION] You sellers have made my every dream come true and I have never had more fun in my life, exploiting such a bunch of losers! I cheated you, defrauded you, destroyed your businesses, made astronomical profits for me and my buddies and kept raising your fees to squeeze your profits to nothing. I took a great idea and a great community, and crushed and mutilated it, pressing every bit of good I could out of it for my own benefit, and I am laughing all the way to the bank. Goodbye you suckers.

Meg